September 18, 2016
Last night I decided that giving Jesus 99.9% of mylife and heartwas not enough.
YWAM Kona held an event called "Jesus burgers", which was a night of worship and ministry at a church down the road (with free burgers to everyone who came and wanted one). Homeless people, vacationers, locals, and YWAMers attended.
A leader in YWAM(Youth With A Mission) later got up and powerfully preached the heart of the Gospel message; and it was evident the Holy Spirit was there. I myself, having already been a Christian, found myself so deeply moved by something he said. He talked not only to those who were only 0-10% "in", but he was also talking to those of us only 99.9% "in" it for the Lord.
And it struck something in my heart so deep that I had never realized was there before- there was a part of my heart that was still clutching on to control; a part that was still not fully open to God.
and here I am still holding onto parts of my life that I somehow don't truly believe He can take care of.
I suddenly realized how much I was complaining about the situation God has me in (here's everything I felt was worth complaining about to God):
I live in a small room filled with bunk beds that are filled with girls about to go to outreach(soon to be filled with new girlsmost likely). The rooms have no AC and no airflow, and I'm woken up on my top bunk every morning to sweat dripping off me, or new mosquito bites.
Upon arriving,I had no money to buy food, (shout out to my mom for sending me food money) and the first thing I got at target was frozen peas to use as icepacks. (praise the good Lord for ice).
Trying to get support is a wholedifferentchallenge in itself. "Oh, you're a missionary in Hawaii? Poor you... it must be rough."
While I must admit Hawaii is gorgeous, I don't think people understand what it's like to live here with no AC and no car- and to be a missionary on top of that, means the enemy is also on full attack to stop you from succeeding at anything.
Throughout my 24hr journey through airports to figure out how to get to Kona (despite all of the flight challenges that came my way), as well as my first couple days on campus attempting to figure out how to get everything taken care of after spending the rest of my money on new luggage costs (another shout out to my mom for buying me an island hopper plane ticket to get to Kona on time for staff training), I found myself feeling more attacked by the enemy than I have in awhile.
And if I'm honest, there were about 5 or 6 instances where I had to find a bathroom, whether in airports or on campus, just so I could cry. That kind of deep, gut-crying that doesn't make a sound. I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and weary.
I found myself thinking, "I should be so grateful for what I get to do, this is just temporary struggle, staff training has been awesome, why can't I just be full of joy?"- and then of course comes guilt.
If you're thinking, "Wow, this girl is a mess..", it's because I am one.
And this world, and the deceiver who rules it, has done everything it could to mess me up. To ruin my life. To destroy me.
But the very times when I feel the most messed up, are the very times I can feel Him moving, healing, and restoring. He's turning this mess into beauty; making beauty from ashes, and I could not be more thankful for that.
is what brings me never-ending joy and reverence so deep in my spirit.
So as I stood there last night and realized that I was only 99.9% in, my heart just sank.
I wanted so badly to be 100% sold out for Jesus, but at the same time, I was telling Himin my heart that I was done with hot and humid weather, and also done with living like this - that I couldn't do Kona for much longer, and I wanted to be able to work for at leastsome of my financial needs from now on. My desires had gotten so in the way; I was beginning to steer my own ship.
This season so far has been God teaching me what it really looks like to
desires in His always-perfect timing).
No more worrying about what itlookslike to others, no more complaining or comparing to otherseither, so that my full attention can be on God and His Kingdom's glory.
Here's to finding my life by (fully) laying it down. It's scary, but I know it's worth it.
If you'd like topartner withme in this season, prayer-wise or money-wise, both are of equal value to me (the campus finance office just tends to care more about funds... so weird).
Please pray that the enemy's hand would not be able to discourage, weaken, or overwhelm me, and that I would have the strength and steadfastness to lean on God like never before through this journey of being 1st-time staff. That I could step in/walk into the reality of giving God my all, and resting in Him while holding His mighty right hand.
And if you will partner with me in finances (even afterall my complaining)I am still in need of a plane ticket home ($300), two and a half months of rent (about $900), and meals (lunch is free, but dinner is $2 per night),Iwould really appreciate support of any kind, small or big.
here is where you can donate (click on make a payment and continue as guest)
As Satan's storm clouds fog around me, my heart has Great hope in expecting God to domightythings in these next few months- mighty things in/through me, mighty things in/through this Bible school, and mighty things in/through the students whom I'll get the privilege of discipling. (who? whom? I never know... whom sounded cool).
I know and pray that this is just the beginning of a new testimony God is writing, and I can't wait to blog more about it.